Puty's Journal

I’m a ‘man of my words’ type of girl. The written ones, the spoken ones.

I think all people should be responsible of their own words. Beautiful or bad, happy or sad. And I think, “I love you” is a really bold statement. It takes a lot of responsibilities. It takes time. In some cases, it takes a lifetime. For me, it is not only about letting a person know. This is one of my favorite piece of Jonathan Safran Foer’s novel, Extremely Loud Incredibly Close,

“She wants to know if I love her, that’s all anyone wants from anyone else, not love itself but the knowledge that love is there, like new batteries in the flashlight in the emergency kit in the hall closet.”

 

Brilliantly said.

I think many people say “I love you” a bit too easily. They say it loud, they make songs, they tweet it, they carve it on trees. It is not the point for me. There are too few of them, who keep the responsibilities. So, I decide to be careful. To say it less, so it wouldn’t be less special. To mean it, and keep it.

Instead, I say: “I’m happy. Let’s go to the zoo, or to the park, so we can play, and take pictures of our laugh.” Or, “I’m hungry, let’s have some sushi and green tea.”

:)

Studying geology has brought me closer to the Earth, and simply turned me into an Earth fan. I prefer call myself a ‘fan’, rather than a ‘lover’. I’m not officially an environmentalist, and I don’t do Save-The-Environment campaign on the street, being naive and tell people not to cut the trees. Soon I’ll be paid for digging holes on it.

What I do, is admiring. How it works. How complex it is. How old, the same as  how young. How detail it is, that even a piece of rock can tell us about many things; about the journey he has wandered, about the river or about life. How patient, and how it keeps the secret underneath; the secret about its past, and its future.

I admire volcanoes too.

For its height. For it mystery.

“What a mount of heartache it is. A volcano resembles human life. In youth it gives reign to the passions, and burns with fire. It spurts out lava. But when it grows old, it assumes the burden of past evil deeds, and it turns as quiet as a grave.”

-from Volcano by Shusaku Endo

—

(The picture above is Hekla, a volcano in Iceland. It is not like the explosive volcanoes we know in Indonesia. It is calmer, but hotter. It is basaltic. It is taken from here.)

After my self-introspection in the previous post, I wonder if you would wonder, whether I think about rich people too much.  Whether I complained too much about capitalism. Whether I criticize too much about consumerism. I wonder if you wonder.

Well, I think you do (wondering), and I think I do (paying too much attention to things that are none of my business).

Now I’m telling you.

—

Since I was a kid, I’ve always been thinking, that I’m the luckiest person in the world. I have great family, great grade, great amount of things I can laugh about, great words to say and write. My family is not a rich one, I would say, (it’s a bit hard to decide because we use money as variable, and money is something infinity, and infinity is just, abstract) we’re just in the middle. I went to school by public transportation. We have our own car, but we don’t have chauffeur.

We could afford another car, honestly. Maybe cash, maybe we could pay in installment. We just could, but my parents decided not to, and I’ve never been a spoiled type. I didn’t ask for a car (until recently), and I never suggest that we should have a chauffeur. Instead, I take the bus. I take the train. I take angkutan kota. I (seldom) take the taxi. Sometimes I’m tired of standing on the bus, of traffic jam, of the sun burning off everything but the dust.

But I live the life. I see the reality. How people struggle through the morning. How the fresh-graduates seek for jobs. How the vegetables are brought to the market. How uncountable plastic glass and bottle and wrapper becomes the rubbish at the end of the day. How the kids, with excitement, chase their dreams, and later they forget it, choosing cigarettes and whatever to be written on the walls. How zero option the city leaves for the pedicab drivers. How old and sad some people that I think they’d better be at home soon.

I see them, maybe just like you do.

So when I see the magazines, or enter the mall, just because I can afford them, or just because I have to do them, and have my own life, I just can’t leave the other part of my life. It haunts me, but unfortunately it is not thriller. It saddens me, but unfortunately it is not drama. It is irony. How some people pull the cart all day just for the price of a cup of tea. A cup of coffee. A gulp of wine. A bite of roast duck. How some people spend the same amount of some other people’s income of a whole month, just for a pair of original rubber shoes with alligator logo, and they complain about life. It is irony for me, for both are real, and both are my life.

I know life is unfair. There is yin, there is yang. There is day, there is night. I’m in the middle of them and I’m going nowhere. I can see both sides like they are transparent but actually separated. Then life leaves me here. Thinking. Be sad when it is sad. Complain when they ask for way too much more, and the other else only get less than none.

Complain when some people go busy busy busy wanting exact pieces of fashion items for the sake of the trends, while some others only have washed out clothes from flea market with the same amount of days in a week. And it’s not one sided judgment.

—

Oh, well.  I already told the conclusion on the previous post. This is only a late prologue of a self-introspection.

I only wonder of you really wonder.

—

It’s similar with one of my past post. Maybe I just like this kind of life stuff.

I’ve lost much of my wisdom lately. Maybe I dislike too much.

I’ve always been cynical and judgmental. Those who have read this journal long enough would know that I dislike people who try too hard to be popular. I dislike people who overrate fashion just because they think it’s cool. People who buy DSLR just because they think it’s cool when a photographer rotates the lens, adjusting the focus. People who tweet about lunch with sushi because sushi is so in vogue and they can afford it. People who buy iPhone just because it’s Apple and expensive. Girls those turn Blackberry users just because everyone does, and they want to update their status via UberTwitter. Kiddos who spend too much of their parents’ money, and keep complaining about how inconvenient this life is.

Sometimes I just dislike rich people just the way they are. People who seem to close their eyes about those helpless people on the street.

Yeah. I know. I’ve lost much of my wisdom and spilled much innuendos lately.
I’m sorry, guys. I will try to care the less, and love the more.

This is my self-introspection for today, and Happy Valentine for those who celebrate. (I don’t). Oh, also, Happy Chinese New Year for those who celebrate! (I don’t, but I really wish the tiger in me would wake up and roar! :D)